i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
