And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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