why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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