My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
