I hate your face
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
