Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
