Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
