Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
