I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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