I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I would ride that face into the sunset
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
