You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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