I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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