Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
