He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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