i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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