What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
