Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
