Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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