i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
