happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
