Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
