Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
