I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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