Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
