My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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