Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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