he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
