Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
