Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
