If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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