Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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