I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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