They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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