i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
