I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
