You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
