my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
