In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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