She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
