hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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