i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
