Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
How external is "for external use only"?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
