I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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