My girlfriend figured out who you are.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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