Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
