i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
