I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
