I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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