pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
