I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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