Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
