just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
