Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
