I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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