he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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