I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
