just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
