i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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