my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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