Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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