By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
