Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
