So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
